私は今年の一月末にニュージーランドへやってきて3ヶ月が経った。いろんな人といろんな出会いをし、新しい価値観や文化に触れ、考え学び、幸せな時間を過ごしている。
つい先日とても良い出会いがあった。信じられないほど素敵な時間を過ごし、素敵な学びをゲットしたのでぜひ読んでいただけたら嬉しい。
私はニュージーランドで、ガーディアンというこちらで親の代わりになってくれる方にとてもよくしてもらっている。私が落ち込んだ時には会いに来てくれて少しお話をし、ただそれだけで元気をもらえるような存在だ。私の唯一の心の拠り所だった祖母と少し似ている。そして何よりもあの明るさと同時に持ち合わせた素敵な感性や価値観に私は惹かれるのだ。以前、精神的に不安定であった私を元気づけるために連れて行ってくれたランチでは昔の辛かった経験などを聞かせていただき、最後には「色々大変なことってあるけど、でも必ず意味があると思うんだ」と言っていた。私はまさにその通りだと思っている。
ガーディアンの方は日本人で旦那さんはニュージーランド人だが、二人には養子で中国人の娘さんと息子さんがいる。娘さんは今、ガーディアンの方と旦那さんと一緒に暮らしている。
先日ガーディアンの方と、娘さんと三人でYum Chaという中華料理のブランチのようなものを食べに行った。彼女は精神安定の副作用でとても震えている手で私のコップにお水を注ぎ、お箸で一生懸命ご飯を食べていた。私はそのとても震えている手を見てどうするべきか少し戸惑ってしまった。しかし彼女は隠すことも、その手の震えを不満に思う様子もない。しばらく話をしていると、その震える手を見ながら笑顔で、「薬を飲んでいるんだけど、今は少しずつ弱くしていってる途中なんだ」と言った。なぜ不満を吐かないのか。なぜネガティヴに言わないのだろう。
日本の教育の話、文化の話、経済の話、日本で英語の教師をしたいという娘さんは何度が旅行で行った日本が大好きだと言っていた。すごく不思議な感覚だった。日本人の母親を持ちながらも、日本に住んだことがなく日本が大好きだと、日本で働きたいと言っている彼女は中国人なのである。決して人種差別的な意味ではない。そして彼女はそんなことは気にもせず、お母さんが日本人で私はすごくラッキーですごく幸せなんだと言っていた。そのおかげで私は日本と出会えて日本に知り合いもいて、日本を好きになることができたのだと。私はこの瞬間、彼女がとても綺麗な心を持った人なのだと、とてもとても彼女のことが好きになった。なんて素敵な人なのだと、出会えた喜びに心の底から笑顔が湧き出てきた。涙が出そうになる程、幸せな気持ちだった。
養子であり、親が同じethnicityではないという境遇に、心の不調に、思い通りにならない手にも、一切悲観することなく、むしろ今ある全てに感謝の気持ちを持っている。自分は幸せだと誰かに伝えている。そしてそれを聞いた誰かをとても幸せな気持ちにしている。
ガーディアンの方が前に話していた、「大変なことには必ず意味がある」とはまさにこのことなんだと実感した。里子であるという境遇も、心の不調も、それらがなければ彼女はガーディアンの方が親になることはなく、ニュージーランドにもいなかったかもしれない。日本を好きになり旅行に行くことも、日本で英語の教師をしたいと思うことも。そしてきっとは私はあんなに素敵な人と出会わなかっただろうし、私が同じように抱えてる心の不調や辛さについて話をすることもなかったかもしれない。
私の場合はどうだろう。心の不調を抱えるようになってから何度も何度も、「なぜ私は皆んなのように普通に学校に行き、友達と楽しい時間を過ごし、普通に勉強もできて楽しい毎日を過ごして、そんなふうに生きられないのか」と絶望し、夜には涙を流して、外にも出られず天井を見つめることしかできない自分がすごく嫌いになることもあった。でもそんな辛い日々を過ごしたからこそ、ガーディアンの方の娘さんの人柄に惹かれ、刺激をもらい、そして今、私は、あの日々には意味があったのだと、むしろ幸せを感じることができている。
人種も文化も言語も関係なく、ただその人に出会えて今の自分がいる、それを幸せだと感じ生きる。
私たちが思っているよりも、人生というのは幸せなことで出来上がっているのかもしれない。
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